Wednesday, December 22, 2004

I didn't think that it would be possible, yet I already knew, but I hit a new all-time low. I really don't know what I'm going to do now. I thought I was doing better, and in some ways I was, but everything got destroyed. It all was a waste. I basically screwed myself over with a very slim chance of being able to come back. I stop and look back at all the dreams I had for college and I see them all come crashing down. I didn't write them out, but going in I had plans and I knew what I wanted to do. It doesn't matter now though, they can't be done. I really don't know what to say besides the fact that I've become a failure. I just couldn't do it and I know I've let so many people down. And knowing that absolutely kills me. RARELY in my life have I ever wished that I could go back and change the past, but this is one of those times I wish I could. If I could go back I'd get help from the start, I wouldn't let the little things add up until I couldn't take it anymore, I'd get on some kind of schedule, I'd do what I knew I needed to do all along. But I can't. I guess I'll go through one more semester, but then I don't know.

As this year nears it's end I look back at 2004 and try to think of the things that I accomplished. In the end, it hasn't been much. I remember sitting down at the end of 2002 and thinking about the past year. I shed tears that new years eve because I'd had such a great year and really didn't want it to end. But I pulled myself together and told myself that somehow things were going to get better. And 2003 was a good year for me. As 2003 ended I was content with my life. I'd had my ups and downs, but overall I was happy with where I was in life. I had some ups this year as well, but I had a lot more downs. I've never felt so lost before in my life. I feel like that scared, little, helpless boy that I was over 10 years ago. I just wanna curl up in my bed, go to sleep, and not wake up until everything somehow becomes better.

I don't know what 2005 has in store for me. I'm not sure if I want to find out. But thanks to my friends, I'll be around for it.

Oh Matt, what happened? you were doing better. Don't give up on anything. You can still make your dreams come true and if you dont know what you want then make new dreams. think of what you want in life and make it happen. You always tell me not to quit and that it is all in my attitude. well what about your attitude. You need to think positive. You are not a failure. You haven't let your family down, nor your friends, and you haven't let me down so stop thinking you have. We all have faith in you. I know you can do it. I wont let you give up. this is going to be a better year for you, just wait and see. But you need to change the attitude and make things better in your life. Stop thinking that you have failed and stop thinking that things aren't going to get better, cuz they are. I have had a lot more downs in this year also but thanks to you and to my friends i have been able to get through it. I know it is hard to just forget things that have happened but we have to remember that its the past and some things are better left in the past. I want you to know that you have definitely not let me down. I am thankful for meeting you because i would probably be in the stage of wanting to give up on everything but you help me realize that quitting isn't an option. I will be here for you whenever you need someone to talk to. Just think positive okay. Things will get better.
*hug* LIVESTRONGI know you, Matt. I know that's how you do.

It's okay to slip every now and then, but you gotta stand back up. Recharge yourself, and then get going again. You can do it. You can do anything.

I believe in you. ♥
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