Saturday, April 30, 2005

fuckin rockets. that game got me upset. after the game i went to the fade 2 black spring show. they had a couple good routines, but it was terribly planned out. now i need to get me some food.

fuck it all.
I slept in again today. I got up and ended up going to this spoken word program. It was incredible and it totally blew me away. I'm so glad that I went. All the poets were amazing. And most of them had cds so I got 3 cds and a book. Plus the 13th ranked slam poet in the nation gave me one of his framed poems that's usually $35. I expected it to last around an hour or so, but it was closer to 3 hours. Luckily the weather held up. It got very windy and blew one of the light stands over, but the words they spoke were so heavy that their cds didn't budge. Afterwards the dj played some instrumentals and they just started freestyling, which was just as amazing. Afterwards I went to rumours and got two meals since I hadn't eaten all day. Then it was off to the commons for pool. I went down 7-3, but after a break I went on a 19-3 run and that was it for that tournament. We were gonna start another one, but decided to just play power pool. Power pool is just as the title says where you hit the balls with a lot of power. This not only causes a lot more scratches. It sends balls everywhere so you get luckier. But the best part is sending the balls flying off the table. After two games of power pool it got ridiculous and we tried jumping balls from table to table, but that didn't work. A couple balls did take flight though and got lost for a little while. That's when we called it a night. Not before trying to get some free stuff from the lady working the desk. No luck though. Now I'll probably stay up until breakfast and listen to my cds and read the book of poems I got.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

If it's possible I think I may have blown this semester in one week.
I ended up going over to Katherine's for a spaghetti dinner. That was very good. I'm glad I decided to go. I came back and went to shoot pool with Charles. I feel a little better after getting out and getting things off my mind. Now to see if I can get the work done that I need to do.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Chris Cagle - I Breathe In, I Breathe Out
Shit. This is not the time I need everything to start falling apart again. Right now my will power and self motivation levels are at zero. Only by the grace of God did I make it to my health test yesterday and logic test today. I wasn't nearly as prepared as I should've been for either one of them though.

Why do I keep hoping? It hasn't done me any good. Yet I keep hoping and keep getting let down. I could say again that I won't hope anymore, but I've said that too many times and I always get my hopes up about something else. I guess I'll just be stuck in this cycle and somehow learn to deal with it.

The past couple days I just hadn't been hungry. Now I'm hungry, but I don't feel like eating.

My semester had been picking up, but recently did a one eighty. I have no clue how to get back on track this time. I thought I had been doing what I needed to do, but I guess not.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

It's not that much longer. Somehow I have to find the strength to get through these last couple weeks. One more test tomorrow and then time to study for finals.
I didn't start off this day in a good mood, but luckily it picked up. After my health test I went to Harrington to give Marlene my digital camera so somebody could take pictures of her doing her square dance calling. I can't wait to see that video. She got off work at 10:30am and I started to walk her to her class. On the way we ran into Lynn and started talking to him since Marlene didn't want me to follow her to her class. DeAndre and Kendall came up and we stayed outside Rudder talking for awhile. Went to see Becky and ask if there was any work coming up. I need to go back friday and check again. After that we went back outside to talk and joke around some more. It was relaxing just standing around chillin, talkin to and about people passing by, enjoying the weather while it's nice. About 11:30am I came back to the commons to get some food. Spanish was good even though I started dozing off near the end. Now for my bed.

Monday, April 25, 2005

I had one meal yesterday and I've had only one today. That really needs to change. It can't be healthy for me.
Pool was good for me tonight. My mood finally lightened up and I got to have some fun. Let's hope it carries over to tomorrow.

My 3 day weekend really threw me off. It doesn't feel like I should be going to class tomorrow.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Thank you Denver Nuggets
This weekend has felt longer, but that just meant more time for shit to go wrong.
I have too many memories on this computer.
I went to eat at El Chico, which turned out to be pretty good. I came back and ended up shooting pool, but had a terribly off night so I won't talk about that. But now I'm in a not so good mood so lets see if tv or something on my computer can help me out.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

The NBA Playoffs have started and the Rockets did what they had to do to take home court advantage away from the Mavericks. MIKE JAMES....WHO?.....MIKE JAMES.
Today was a slow day. I spent most of it looking over spanish vocab. I went through about 10 1/2 pages front and back before stopping. Marlene came over and brought freebirds. We ate that and watched part of Ali. She left and Kym and I went to shoot pool. I ended up playing Stephen in two rounds best of 7. I won the first round 4-2 and the second round 4-0. I hit some good shots, but also got pretty lucky. Now I don't know what to do. I should sleep so I don't sleep all day tomorrow, but we'll see.

Friday, April 22, 2005

I got up this morning to register. I may have gotten in over my head, but I'm going for it all. I stayed up for a little while then went back to sleep. I got up to go to McAlister's with Katherine and Marlene. It was good even though I had to cut up my sandwich. I came back and started writing out a bunch of my spanich vocabulary. I went through 6 pages. That's entirely too much. I have to go back and learn all the ones I learned before the mid-term because I've forgotten most of them. I shall learn them all though.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

I was planning on just relaxing in my room for awhile, but then Katherine talked me into going to aggie muster. Well we traded, I said she had to take me to Denny's afterwards. We got there early and I ended up finishing up Katherine's math problem. It was a little easier once I saw the directions. Muster wasn't bad and the speaker was actually good this year. Summer and Marlene met us there and afterwards we all went to Denny's. Lots of good laughs there, which I needed. Now I'll hang out for a little while then go shoot pool.
Not how I planned out this day, but things are beginning to fall into place. And I found out my logic test is on Wednesday and not Monday so that's good news.

I think I did fairly well on my spanish composition, but there's no telling. I don't have nearly as busy of a day today so I can relax some. Starting now.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

I can't stand it how certain little things still bug the hell out of me. It's driving me crazy right now and I've lost all concentration. I went to the rec to try to relieve some stress, but I couldn't focus there so I couldn't get those extra lifts in when I started to fatigue. And all that did was frustrate me even more so I just cut my workout short and left. Somehow I have to get my focus back so I can finish studying for my strength training test and work some more on my spanish composition. Plus I still have stuff to do on my schedule. I've forgotten all about my logic homework that I need to do. It seems the more I try, the more stuff I have to do. I can't take this right now.
This day has gone by slow. I've got a lot of work done, but it seems that I have so much more to do. But now isn't the time to slack off so I'll do what I have to do.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

My mood picked up once I found out that I could get Who Is Mike Jones. My day has been much better ever since then. My classes were pretty good today. Nothing I could complain about. I went to a few different professors office hours to try to get my schedule straight. I still need to see one more lady, but it's all good. I got a lot worked out with my schedule with Monica's help. But I still need to finalize it.

I've gotten my motivation back for now and hopefully it'll carry me through the end of this semester. I'm trying again, so lets see what I can accomplish.
I ended up getting a little sleep last night, but not nearly enough. But that was my plan, right?
Anyways, I got up in time for breakfast today even though I ate it in class. We had a guest speaker. He was a little timid, definately not ready to be a teacher if that's what he chooses to do. But it was cool because we got out early. I stopped by the education lab to visit Marlene, but she was busy helping our future teachers since they were having trouble following simple directions. I just planned some stuff out then headed to my next class.

Who Is Mike's here
I haven't had such an off night in pool in forever. It completely ruined my mood even though I started playing well at the end. This is going to be a long night.

Monday, April 18, 2005

" God wouldn't give you the ability to dream without the ability to make your dreams come true."
I got up and ate some soft tacos before going to class. I may be eating a lot of them in the near future since they're easy for me to eat. Spanish was good, but I need to get to work on my composition. Gotta study for my test in CAEN on wednesday. After CAEN i ran to Dr. Schielacks office hours since I had a little extra time. He helped me a little with my schedule and told me who else I need to go talk to. So I need to email him tonight and see when his office hours are. After that I ran back to Logic. I still feel confident about that class so I'm good. Now I'm wondering what I can eat for dinner. It may just be soft tacos again.
Once I start getting regular sleep then I sleep too much. I guess I need to go back to my old ways.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Yesterday's tournament didn't go exactly how I saw it going. It started off good, we weren't really challenged in our first 3 games. The first round of the playoffs was a little harder, but we pulled off a win. The next game, things didn't go so well. I started off ice cold, but wasn't really worried about that. But one play I drove in and got tied up and somehow I ended up horizontal in midair. Next thing I know I do a face plant into the ground. I open my eyes and see part of my teeth on the floor and can't believe it. I was told that I actually left a dent in the floor. Lets just say that was the end of the tournament for me. Luckily for me Ding's dad is a dentist. Yesterday was my Christmas and he was Santa Claus. He was able to give me my two front teeth back. I ended up having to get a root canal on one tooth and then he filled both of them in. He couldn't tell if the roots were cracked or not and hopefully they aren't, because if they are then that could cause serious problems for me later on. But for now I'm glad I have my front teeth back and that I didn't have to walk around for the next couple weeks looking like a hockey player.

I'm back in College Station now and feel like taking my nap since I haven't had one the past few days. But I did pretty much get a full nights sleep. It's a nice day out so I may go find something to do outside. We'll see.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

so it turns out that Ding and Greg had a sleepover without me. How Rude!
I'm sure they would've rather had poke there than me though

Friday, April 15, 2005

When Monica got home, of course, I had to go down and check out her scion. It was pretty nice and very roomy. As soon as she stepped out of it, I sat in the drivers seat and took the keys from her. I was ready to go, but she had to go hop in the passengers seat first. I just drove it around our apartment complex some. I'll take it out more tomorrow. When my momma got home the first thing she said to me was, 'how have you driven Monica's car already when I haven't even driven it yet?' No hello or anything. I stayed up a little while longer then just passed out on the living room floor. After awhile I woke up because the floor was too hard. Instead of putting up the air matress or getting in a bed upstairs I just curled up on the love seat and passed out again. I slept until about 9pm when I got up to eat. Then I went to meet Joel and Efrain to see The Year of The Yao. It was a good movie with lots of laughs. Now I need to rest of before the games tomorrow. It's going to be a long day.
Somehow I made myself get up at 8am. Well I layed in bed until 8:30am and then got up and got ready. Luckily I had time to get breakfast. Then I caught a cab to the greyhound station. I'm kind of glad I caught a cab and didn't have somebody take me, because I don't think anybody I know knew that the greyhound station had moved. Oh well, I got to the station and as always you see and sometimes get to know stuff about some interesting/crazy people. The bus ride wasn't bad. I just text messaged people the whole way to occupy my time. I got into Houston and got some food from McDonalds before catching the light rail home. haha, I remember saying I was going to ride the light rail the first day it opened, yet this was my first time actually on it. Now I'm home and it feels good. Time to relax.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

I skipped my nap once again today. This time to go eat at Wings and More and then to go Bowling at the MSC. I bowled like shit today, but oh well, I had fun and that's what counts. Now I still feel like going to sleep, but I guess I'll stay up a little longer at least. And I still need to find out how I"m getting to Houston tomorrow.
Last night instead of taking a nap I went to stompfest. I hadn't really heard much about it, but it's where they paired up 5 white sororities with some black fraternities and sororities so they could learn how to step. They actually did better than I thought they would. But of course some were just off, but not as many as I thought. It was pretty entertaining. And at the end the Alpha's came out and showed everybody how it was really done. I came back to my room, ate, and crashed for the night.

I got up today for sociology and was expecting a guest speaker, but no, i actually had to pay attention and take notes. I took strength training easy because I didn't feel like doing a real workout. I came back to my room and finished up my geography before going off to take my logic quiz that I didn't study for. I'm pretty sure I got 5 out 6 right, I wasn't positive about the 6th one though. I took my lunch after logic since we got out early. Spanish was helpful today, so I'm glad I went, because I almost didn't. Geography was boring and went by SOOOOO slow. But I passed the time with the paper, sketching random things, chatting, and of course text messaging.

To nap or not to nap? This answer has become obvious lately.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

My day started at 1am and now I'm ready for a nap. Office hours were good, she just wanted to get to know all of her students better, so that was cool. After that I went and hung out with Marlene and Lindsay for a little while. I met up with Nancy around 11:30 to go over our geography assignments. We finished them quicker than expected and just went to get lunch when we were done.

Spanish lab was a waste of time as usual. CAEN was CAEN. Logic was good, but it was very hard for me to stay awake during. Somehow I made it though.

I got back to the commons and was quite ready for my nap, but I decided to stop off and give blood. The line was going slow, but I stayed anyways. I enjoy going to give blood because of the anxiety of those that haven't given before. It's entertaining to me. Plus the snacks are always good.

It's been a long day, and I should stay awake, but I feel like napping, so I'll nap.
I finally got my laundry done. I was really starting to run out of clothes and that's hard for me to do. After I washed all my clothes I decided to go shoot some pool. I had a pretty good night. My backspin was working fairly well for me, which is a good thing. And I'm a lot more confident with my break now. Somehow I need to stay up until 10am when I have to go to my profs office hours for CAEN. Then I'll just have to stay up through my classes. Hopefully class won't be too boring.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Classes weren't bad today. I actually got something done in all of them. Now I need to get something done with my workout. I need to lift and do my ab bootcamp, but I really don't feel like going to the rec. Hopefully I can make myself go a little later.
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
I am so screwed. I don't know how I'm going to finish up this semester.

Monday, April 11, 2005

I finally got to sleep around 9:30am. Somehow I was able to make myself get up and go to class. I needed to. Spanish was good, but it's getting hard and right now I don't have the will power to study more. CAEN was CAEN. Logic was boring, but we went over new material so I'm glad I went. Now it's time to eat and then maybe I'll go give blood. Or maybe I'll just sleep.
looks like another fuckin allnighter for me

Sunday, April 10, 2005

I got up this afternoon and walked with Marlene to the house that she's going to stay in this summer and fall to see how long of a walk it was. It took about 25 minutes, which isn't too bad and it was a nice day out so it was a good walk. We had to wait for the lady so they could sign the lease, but it wasn't bad. On our way back we stopped at Layne's to eat. I always love Layne's. Now I'm back watching the Master's and hoping Tiger can hold on. He needs this win. I've so full though that I might just pass out on my bed. We'll see.
I stayed up and around 6 something I decided to put on my Billy's Ab Bootcamp. I was expecting a workout, but wow, that was a WORKOUT. But I loved it though. I was sweating like I'd just run a few games of basketball. I was really in the mood to workout after that so I decided to try one more of my dvds. I chose to try out Billy's Cardio Bootcamp. The Billy Bands were used in those and they were a lot tougher than I expected. I was dripping sweat by the time I was done with that one. The time went by quickly though with the non-stop motion. Another great workout. I can't wait to get to Billy's Basic Bootcamp and at some point Billy's Ultimate Bootcamp. Now I've showered and watched some Simpson's and it's time I get me some breakfast.
I got up today to give my momma her car keys. I had gotten plenty of sleep, but I didn't feel like staying awake so I went back to sleep a little later. I got up later for Sonic, which was good. I watched some basketball and some videos online. Later on Marlene came to my side of campus to shoot pool. Kym came down then Charles stopped by. After everybody left Tennessee stopped by and I finally beat him in a game. After that it was over to the northside for pizza and Drumline. Now I need to get some sleep, but it's no way I will right now. Oh well.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Unity Dinner was good except for the fact that it went on a little too long. Afterwards I hung out in Marlene's room with her and my momma for a little while before I got kicked out. I came back to my room and chilled for a minute before heading to the Red Fusion party at Time Square. It was nice to start off, but the dj got weak and actually started playing the same songs over again. Once he did that twice I decided it was time for me to go. I went and got a couple taco dinners from taco cabana and came back to my room. Now I'm trying to decide whether I wanna stay up and go to the rec at 6am or if I just want to go to sleep.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Went to work at 6pm and was planning on getting off at 2am, but soon found out that we'd ahve to stay later because we had to hang curtains and set up stuff for tomorrow. I hadn't eaten all day, but luckily Marlene was able to bring me a couple lunchables. It wouldn't have mattered so much if I had've gotten off at 2am, because then I could still order something. Anywho, work was good. I actually watched most of the show today and it was pretty good. Impressive since I've always loved and wanted to be able to tap dance. The load out seemed to go slow. I'm not sure why. The floor came up quicker than I thought it would, but that's also because it was more than twice as many people working on it then when we put it down. We finished loading their trucks a little after 2am and spent the next hour hanging lights and curtains for tomorrow. Oh well, more money right?

Thursday, April 07, 2005

The plan was to get off work then crash. But no, I was hungry so I ordered a burger and fries. I ate that then didn't feel like sleeping so I went to shoot pool with Kym. I impressed myself with some of the shots I hit. Everything was going good until the plans quickly changed and we rushed to take a friend to the hospital because of kidney stones. She was in the SCC and couldn't walk so I carried her back to the commons where we met Ofon. We got to the hospital and of course the emergency room was slow as usual. They finally took her in and ran some tests. We didn't get the results until about 6am and after that Ofon and I headed back to the dorm while Kym stayed. I got McDonalds breakfast, which I've missed. I've been up for around 35 hours now. Why? I'm just stupid, that's why.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

I've been up for over 26 hours and counting. I hadn't stayed up for over 24 hours straight since last school year. I got to work this morning at 5:30am and it was fun at first. For some reason I was just hyper. I was singing and dancing all over the stage. Time went very slowly though. They fed us donuts and juice around 8:30am and after I got some food in me my energy level DROPPED. I did a complete one eighty from being very hyper to barely being able to stay awake. But I kept going. We put down a hard wood floor for them. It seemed easy enough at first, but then we had to go back and drill in I don't know how many screws. We took an early lunch around 11am, but I wasn't that hungry so I only ate about half of my food. After lunch the time went even slower. We finally finished up around 3:15 or so. I came back to my room and changed and for some reason went to the rec. I did my upperbody pull workout and a lower body workout. I was dying at the end of my workout. I tried to stand and watch some of the basketball games going on after my workout, but I got a sick feeling in my stomach and got light headed so I went to sit down for a little while. Then I got the chills so I stayed longer. Finally I had to get up and leave. I went to the commons and got a smoothie and some food. I hurried to eat my food then I got a quick shower, changed into all black and headed back to work. I helped clean the floor then we had a little free time before the show started. Nancy was studying for a test so I let her explain abnormal psycology to me so she could review. It was very interesting, so it's too bad that I was too tired to remember any of it. I was about an inch off on the first prop we took on stage, which was perfectly fine, but I still wanted it to be perfect. And the rest of the props I put on stage were perfect. It was a little competition between the side I was on and the other side to see who could remove their stairs from stage the quickest. Of course my side won that. We finished with what we had to do around 9:30pm, but I stuck around until the play ended around 10pm. Now I NEED to go to sleep, but I'm not really that tired. I think I"ll eat first.
I don't even know how I'm feeling right now. I'm not happy though and I'm not even content like I used to be. I can't even describe it, it's nothingness.

Another couple hours until work then a very long day. I'm not feeling very good about this.

Why do I bother?

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

My sleeping schedule was not supposed to be like this this week. I am so fucked for tomorrow. And the sad part is that it seems last night was wasted.
Yesterday started off good. I went to my classes. My logic test went well. I got a good nap in. Woke up to catch a good game. Went and got a good workout in. Watched some good tv. Got some good food. Then around 3:15am my night took a u-turn and started heading in the opposite direction. It was a long night that didn't allow me any sleep, but it's done with for now. I managed to make myself go to class this morning even though I just wanted to collapse on my bed. Now I wonder if I can stay awake to go to spanish or will I pass out before then.

Monday, April 04, 2005

there's a curveball at every corner.

this is NOT a good week for my sleeping schedule to be off.
It's good to know that when I seem alone and down I always have someone there looking out for me. I hope that they all know that I'm always here for them as well.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

WOW, can things get more fucked up. This sequence I just went through was NOT cool.


Saturday, April 02, 2005

Around a month and a half. These may be my last days as a college student for awhile. I start to look back on these past two years and I wish that I could say there were some of the best years of my life, like I always heard the college years were supposed to be, but I can't. For the most part they've been the opposite. Sure, I've gotten to know some of my high school friends a lot better than I ever thought I would, and I'm glad for that, but slowly those relationships seem to be starting to fade. I've just never been consistenly happy these past couple years. I'm not sure what I'll do and I hate to give up the gates millenium scholarship, but I can't go on living like this. My best option now seems to go back to Houston and do Youth Advocates through Americorps. I may do that and possibly find another job for the night time or maybe take some classes through HCC. Sure, I'm going to feel like a failure for quitting college, but it won't be much different from me already feeling like a failure now. But who knows? Somehow I may get the strength to go on and finish up college now. A miracle may come my way and help me get through this, or maybe I'll fade off and go live the life I never thought I'd have to live. I think it's time for a change though. Nobody wants a college dropout, and it wouldn't be any better if I just stuck around and failed out. For now, I'll try to make the most of the next month and a half, but my bags are packed and I won't be sad when this school year is over.
Jo Dee Messina - My Give A Damn's Busted
I just need something to punch right now
I usually don't get annoyed or upset much, but today people just annoyed the hell out of me. i should just go to sleep and hope for a better day tomorrow.
That was a quick mood change

Friday, April 01, 2005

I didn't go to the rec when I was supposed to, instead I talked online then layed down in my bed. I couldn't really sleep for some reason so for a long time I was just laying there. I was thinking about not going, but then my motivation popped into my head and I was ready to go. I ran to the rec then did my pull workout for the day. Now I need to shower and eat.
I got to sleep around 3:30am, but I still didn't feel like getting up for class. I finally did though and headed off to spanish. We did stuff orally today, which I suck at, but oh well, I need the practice. After spanish I ended up having lunch with Paula. Now I feel like sleeping off my meal, but I need to stay up so I can go to the rec before it gets too late.

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