Sunday, January 16, 2005

i couldn't just sit indoors all day so i went riding. i rode around and ended up at the palace. they'd had some private party all day and had just opened up to the public when i got there so it was pretty empty. i just sat around for awhile then ended up bowling 5 games. it wasn't that much since i didn't have to pay for shoes, even though i used theirs and since i got 4 of the 5 games at the senior price. it's good to know people. my mind wasn't into bowling so i didn't do as well as i thought i should've done. i missed some easy spares. i still bowled a 142, 148, 152, 138, and a 170, for a 150 average. after i bowled i sat there and watched some other people bowl before i left to go drive around some more. i didn't want to go home because i knew that once i went home i wouldn't be going out again this break. and i was thinking about that all night.

i made it through this break because i had my wonderful friends to hang out with and keep my mind off other things that i would've been thinking about if i was alone. thanks to them i was able to have a good christmas break. bowling as always was fun, but i also got more into pool, which hopefully i'll continue to get better at. all the late nights were great even if i did go beyond broke. staying up late at someone's house just talking and playing games was a blast. even just staying up late and having conversations on AIM helped keep me sane. but i sit here now and tears start coming to my eyes because my stay in houston has come to an end for now. i've told myself all break that i'm ready for this semester. that i can handle my classes no problem. but when all is done and said i still have this fear in me. this fear that my depression will spring right back up when i get back to A&M. that i'll be alone too often and my mind will come up with too many different scenarios that will just destroy me from the inside.

i need a 4.0 this semester to get back on track. this past year my pride has hurt me by not letting me do the right things that i needed to do. in the past my pride wouldn't let me fail for any reason, so i'm hoping that that's what it will do for me this semester. i have goals for this semseter and they're realistic goals. but i don't know if they will be accomplished. but i hope they are.

as i sit here watching a pbs special on Martin Luther King Jr, I try to think of all the old ways of inspiration that I had. All the quotes I used to use. All the people I used as role models. I'm going to need everything I can get to help me through this semester. Anybody who reads this, feel free to check up on me during the semester to make sure I'm on track. I'd appreciate it. I'll try to stay in touch with everyone better than I have before, and hopefully I will.

Do or Die time for me. A lot of times I feel like dying, but this time I wanna Do.

Good Luck and I know you can do it. I believe in you, everyone else does and more important you believe in yourself and that is what truly counts. Song : Hope by Twista...Quote: "Let's do this shit" by Worm...Take Care of
I am sorry you're so sad the break is ending. I know you had a lot of fun in houston. Keep your goals in mind. I know you can accomplish all of them if you just work hard. You will do fine this semester and I will help you as much as I can. I believe in you. If you ever need anything you know I am here for you. Stay strong and keep believing in yourself.
i believe.
u know how to reach me any time
i promise i wont put glitter in ur hair
ill be praying for you all the way
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