Monday, February 14, 2005

This thought came across my mind earlier today and I just broke down. It was that I've always hung out with one of the smartest groups of friends around. A group that I wasn't smart enough to be in, but they accepted me in none the less, and I appreciate that very much. In order to keep up with them I set high goals for myself and I busted my ass to reach those goals. I started reaching a level that was close to those of my friends and felt good about it. But those goals that I set so high and achieved was what was expected from them. It was nothing big. They were always going to be a step or two ahead of me and I'm now realizing that. Now I'm here in college and my group of friends were able to turn it up another notch to succeed on this level, but I was already maxed out and no longer had another notch to turn it up. Therefore I see all my old friends succeeding and going on to do big things while I'm falling further and further behind. I try to find that next notch on my dial of knowledge and will power, but it's just not there. If I think about it, I haven't really learned anything here at college. Nothing that I can take away with me and use in the real world. This has caused me to think more and more about dropping out of college and just trying to find something else to do. Something that suited me better. Something that I could maybe succeed in. I just really don't know what to do. My mind tells me one thing, but my heart tells me something else. I'm at a point in my life where I really have no clue which road to travel down. I used to look up to God for the answers, but I haven't really talked to him lately. Why? Because I'm scared to. I've always told other people that there's no reason to be scared to talk to God. That he forgives you for anything that you've done and all you have to do is ask for his forgiveness. That he loves us so much that he died for us and is willing to forgive all of our sins. If I know all of this then why am I still scared to talk to him? Because I feel right now that I don't deserve God's love. That I've let him down too much just like I have all of the people who have had faith in me. I'm sorry to all of you. I'm sorry that I let you down. Where do I go from here? I guess that's something I'll have to figure out on my own. Until then I'll just keep going through all the motions here at college. I would say, wish me luck, but it'll take more than luck to get me through what I'm going through right now.
Matthew you can't always be better than everyone else. I know you try, but the truth is you can only be your best not someone else's. A lot of people don't know what they are doing here in college or what they are learning it's just a stage everybody goes through. Hang in there. You're right God is there for you and he loves you. He is guiding you through different paths. Right now he is putting you through many obstacles. Remember he doesn't give us obstacles we can't handle. I know things have been really difficult for you lately, but you have to keep having faith. Things will get better. I know how it feels to thing that we don't deserve God's love, but he loves us no matter what. You are the one who helped me get through the hardest thing in my life right now. You showed me to ask him for forgiveness, now it's your turn. And you have not let me down. I doubt you have let any of your friends or family down. I am telling you good luck and that i have faith in you, but i think as long as you turn to God you will be fine. Things WILL get better just keep believing. LIVESTRONG!!!!!

"For I know the plans I have for you!" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper and not to harm, plans to give you hope and a future" -Jeremiah 29:11

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

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