Tuesday, March 08, 2005
these images are put into my head and i don't know what to do with the memories that they revive. i enjoy the memories, but soon they joy is short lived. then i'm left with the feeling i have now. i'm not sure what that feeling is. not to say it's bad, but it's not good. therefore i just try to force the images from my head, for if i don't have the images then i don't have the memories. but i want the memories so every once in awhile i allow myself to focus on the images and relive those moments. but i must let them go so i get online and search for things or turn to the television for a distraction. sometimes i sleep, because when i sleep i usually don't dream. and if i do dream i usually wake up quickly because my dreams tend to blend in to what i think is reality. i wake up confused at times wondering whether what just happened was real or made up. at times i'm glad it was a dream while other times i wish that what occured was real. i lay in bed thinking about the snippet of a dream that i had trying to half fall asleep so i can continue them to find out what would happen. but my imagination isn't what it used to be so time stops and i'm frozen in the middle of the night with nowhere to go and nothing to do. the next thing i know it's morning and i'm left with an unfinished dream and a confused mind. days that begin like that are often not my best days. those are the days it feels like i woke up on the wrong side of the bed and my whole day goes wrong. but in the end the end those are the days i just go to sleep early so my day will end. i end up getting a good nights sleep that night so in the end the bad turns out to be good for me. but with the good nights sleep i stay up all night the next night and don't get sleep then. that's when i stay up late and the images start to come back into my head. it's a continuous cycle that i'm stuck in and have stopped trying to get out of for now. one day i'll break it, but for now i just accept it.